Beautiful mess.

Friday, January 09, 2009

; 7:05 PM

today's the 9th and its amazing how time flies. it feels like just yesterday when i first entered vj and now i'm on my way to my 2nd and last year.

i've made many friends, but true friends are really hard to find. time and again, i let myself be hurt by those i consider important, yet i failed to see that i was invisible in their eyes. oh, how many times i have denied the truth, i'm such a fool. i rarely acknowledge those who have stood by me and were able to pick up on whatever that's troubling my mind. and to these people who have my back, i apologise.

i guess i'm as imperfect as everyone out there.

i'm about done with my r papers, and i hope that i've finally gotten back control over my studies. its quite discomforting to worry abt results, especially when i never had to. my mum doesn't want me to go overseas in june, and frankly, i don't want to go either. i'm not gonna make the same mistakes i did last year, no chance in hell. but when i think about all the fun i'll be missing...its such a hard decision to make :(

you know what? i'm not looking forward to orientation at all. maybe i won't go in the end, i'll just find some excuse to skip. why? cause i feel so unattached to the og. like i don't know people there, and its kinda late for me to like bond with people. i mean, it took me months to bond with comers. ok, forget it. you guys probably don't understand what i'm saying.

anyway, this post was really created because of this person who has made me experience so many ups and downs in our friendship. there are countless of times i have been let-down by you. you're always giving me these reasons, and i find i'm starting to doubt you. part of the reason as to why i doubt you is because you barely tell me anything anymore. remember how we used to tell each other everything? i know i'm a bad person, i should not even think of doubting you, but its just been too hard to push these negative feelings away. and some of the reasons you present me were extremely ridiculous. i don't understand how this person you've known for barely a year can make you forget someone who has befriended you for 5 years. am i that insignificant in your life? do i not interest you as much? or is it because i'm unable to hurt you as much as that person does?

maybe you feel i'm being demanding, so be it but i'm over giving in, i'm over pretending everything's fine. i've failed as a friend. i should have done more. and i should not have encouraged you down that road. that path is sinful and you know it. f**k! even your religion oposes it. i don't understand. i really don't understand what's going through your mind.

i know after all i've said here, we'll probably get into a big fight, but i won't forgive you this time. i cannot. not until you really understand what i meant. i can't have you going back to your old ways a week later. its just doesn't go that way.

sometimes its unbearable the way you treat me, but i still love you all the same. i just wish you treat me at least a margin better, because believe it or not, i treasure this friendship alot, and every little thing you do can break me. and i'm here to lend a listening ear, i'm not here as a trophy friend or something. i'm willing to stay up nights helping you solve your problems. but its only if you're willing to.

reply tags:
elle: see what i meant? where's all those stuff you promised me?
mingxin: since when! you alrdy got ahemm, pls be a little more faithful, or at least more discreet. haha. cause last time, i emo what. and i know i rock, thanks.
sarahj: oh thanks, you only miss the annoying me part huh? great friend!
lichu: how's everything going on?
sunanda: oh wow, want a medal? ahah, kidding. thanks.